Friday, October 13, 2006

Making Choices for Freedom

I have felt so empty.... so tired.... so used up...
I have felt this way for a long time now (as Ryan reminded me last night)
Just like the song I have really learned to love:

The Real Me
Natalie Grant

"Foolish heart, looks like we're here again.
Same old game of plastic smile,
Don't let anybody in.
Hiding my heartache,
Will this glass house break?
How much will they take before I'm empty?
Do I let it show?
Does anybody know?

But You see the real me.
Hiding in my skin, broken from within.
Unveil me completely.
I'm loosening my grasp,
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause You see the real me.

Painted on, life is behind a mask,
Self-inflicted circus clown.
I'm tired of the song and dance,
Living a charade, always on parade.
What a mess I've made of my existence.
But You love me even now
And still I see somehow...

That You see the real me.
Hiding in my skin, broken from within.
Unveil me completely.
I'm loosening my grasp,
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause You see the real me.

Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When You look at me.
You're turning the tattered fabric of my life
Into a perfect tapestry.
Oh, I just wanna be me,
I wanna be me.

But You see the real me.
Hiding in my skin, broken from within.
Unveil me completely.
I'm loosening my grasp,
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause You see the real me.

and you love me just as I am.
wonderful, beautiful is what you see
when you look at me."

Nobody but The Lord knows the real me... nobody else has cared enough to even try to look.

I have always felt that even after I gave all I had to give it was never enough... I feel that way now... or I did last night.
I have given ALL I have to give to the person who is in my life - and it is not enough.

How many things are going on in my present because of roots in my past?
What have I been holding on to... even from decades ago, that I "thought" I had dealt with?

"The heart is deceitful and utterly wicked. Who can know it?"
Times DOESN't heal all wounds....It only covers and hides them and more gets piled on, if you don't REALLY deal with them.
And those things hold you in bodage... kepp you imprisoned even if you don't "feel" them or know they are there.
Rejection*** Bitternes*** unforgiveness
they all all roots- buried deep- growing longer and longer. Roots don't show on the surface but they grow DEEP, the SPREAD out, BRANCH out under the surface...
They have kept me firmly grounded, planted in a place I "thought" I had left long ago...

NOW is the time.... today is the day of salvation....
ALL things work together for good to those who love the Lord, to those who are called according to HIS purposes.

Yesterday I was faced with part of my past.... a very good thing.... I went searching for that part of my past... not REALLY realizing that I WAS being led by The Holy Spirit.
I had searched before but couldn't find it... Yesterday was the time appointed by the Father for me to face it.

Once finding that part of my past I was overcome with emotion...
I really couldn't figure it out... so many things going through my head-
so many questions- so many thoughts-so many regrets....
being torn between the past and the present...

It was only AFTER I laid down last night... when I CHOSE to REALLY listen... that The Holy Spirit could minister to me---
NOW is the TIME to once and for all be done with the reproach, the shame, of the past...
To deal with the rejection I "once" felt- to deal with the unforgiveness I "thought" I had dealt with but had only neatly packaged away and buried... to deal with the bitterness, so long "forgotten" hiding along with that unforgiveness... Bitterness steming from unfulfilled desires, broken and stolen dreams... from knowing I wasn't good enough to really be loved.

All these things have been buried in this wicked heart... chaining me to the past I thought I had left so long ago... not letting me move on---
I have only been treading water... barely moving with the current... when I "thought" was swimming at least a little.

I learned, or "thought" I had learned, that these things not only hold you in bondage but hold anyone else involved in bondage too.

The Lord used my facing this part of my past to show me other parts of my past I really haven't dealt with. This is ONLY the beginning... and ithas opened the door to much more healing.
And this healing is NOT just for me...

Here is the word the Lord gave me last night....

"Make the right choices to get your heart right before Me, says the Lord. Your desert experience has its roots in rejection, bitterness, and unforgiveness. I tell you truly that you cannot ride out of your desert until you release everyone and everything from the past. This is a time when you can once and for all be done with all injustice and reproach and move ahead in My plans and purposes. You will not regret making choices for freedom -- yours and theirs.
Matthew 6:14-15 "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

The Lord has reminded me several times while writing this not only do I need to forgive others... I need to forgive myself... That is always the hardest part of me... forgiving myself for making choices I KNEW were wrong...Choices that in the end only caused me more pain.
But NOW is the time_
The time for "making choices for freedom"